So apparently ingesting disinfectant is the move per our gifted president. Thousands of years noting the effects of ammonias and chemicals on the human body don’t matter. This will single handedly revolutionize the way we fight viruses. Outstanding.
Sarcasm aside, President Donald Trump asked a senior health official if ingesting disinfectant works to kill the virus.
Annnnnnd people believed him. Some people have actually tried flushing their nasal cavities with bleach in Georgia, while others have gargled a bleach mixture in a few northern cities.
Now I’m no scientist, but I was raised by parents who taught me that ingesting something that scorches off bacteria isn’t a good idea. The cleaners under the counter were not juice, and my parents never had to install those pesky cupboard locks when I was a little guy.
I would expect most Americans had the same experience but I would likely be wrong.
How in your right mind can you take a whiff of bleach — let alone a gulp — and think “yep, this is it. This will cure me.”
But I won’t go down a long tangent about how moronic our nation has become. Let’s just say Darwin didn’t account for societal carrying.
To recenter this journal, let’s look at the 20 states working to reopen. Eight of them — Maine, Idaho, Texas, Nevada, Alabama, Florida, Louisiana, and Arizona — return to normal Friday, May 1.
I guarantee a mixture of Friday kickers and Saturday celebrations will have those states keeled over like Mike Tyson by Sunday morning — and not just from overdoing the celebration.
Coronavirus is Buster Douglas. Count it out, and it will knock you out. Stay cautious and it flails all over the ring.
Maine might get away with it. I’ll put up $100 that the majority of the population didn’t even notice quarantine existed. It’s just a natural way of life in a state where 4.4 percent of adults have mental disorders like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or severe depression.
When every time you enter a grocery store there are at least a handful of people one line cut away from going ballistic, you keep to yourself and mind your manners.
But Texas, Nevada, Arizona, and Florida are in a tight spot. All four states have huge retired populations, let alone populations in general.
Do you really think all those red-blooded Texans and Florida Men are going to wash their hands and stay six feet away from each other? Just wait for the Monday morning headlines.
Maybe I’m too cynical. Maybe breaking out into public will show us that this whole quarantine was pointless, that there’s nothing to worry about.
Maybe this really was just a sham for that evil toad Gavin Newsom to install the deadly 5G death rays that will be the end of all our sperm.
Maybe this really was a way for Gretchen “Witch of the West” Whitmer to shit on constitutional rights while the state congress rips her for extending the stay-at-home order.
(Side note: Rick Snyder put Flint in a state of emergency for hundreds of days and these quasi-conservative jokers had no problems. I guess they don’t like when it’s sister’s turn on the Xbox.)
Who am I kidding? Infections are going to surge. I clock the over-under on the number of infections after lifting quarantine at around 999.5 per state after the first four days. With all of the beaches, venues, and sheer stubborn citizens of those states, quarantine summer is a guarantee at this point.
Imagine thinking you’re tougher than a virus that’s killed more than 200,000 people and infected 3 million. Really? You’re tougher than a respiratory virus? You don’t need lungs?
So get out your yard chair and find a sunny spot to lay in because it’s going to be a long, boring, unforgiving and yet unforgettable summer.
Just remember to bring some bleach out with you in case you need a quick cure.
Big Tex Goes to College 