The Box is More Fun Than the Toy: Pentagon Releases UFO Videos

Shocked. I’m absolutely shocked.

The Pentagon released videos of unidentified flying objects Tuesday, April 28, a quarantine treat no one expected but everyone needed.

But before you scramble to watch them, let me spoil something: they’re just regifting what the New York Times and Blink frontman Tom DeLonge already gave us years ago.

Maybe the Pentagon wants to boost its online clout.

Who’s going to take an organization seriously when their sub count is lower than that absolute mad lad who put Pepsi in a Coke glass.

The Pentagon has its hands in the cookie jar everywhere. We want — no, we NEED — to know what they’re holding.

If they keep up a regular release schedule, the Pentagon will be hailed a quarantine hero for snapping the endless boredom.

They might even net sponsors from a take this big.

It’s great the Pentagon owned up to what we’ve already seen, but now they need to dole out what we haven’t.

How about you release the footage of the Grassy Knoll? Show us where Tupac is? Tell us who killed Jeffrey Epstein?

Believe me, if I had access to that much juicy information, I would be a household name.

Random Guy: “Yo, did you see what Big Tex posted on YouTube?”
Other Random Guy: “Yeah! I knew Wyoming was fake!”

All kidding aside, this marks a serious turning point for the alien conspiracy theorists.

I imagine Alex Jones is drooling all over himself, hidden deep inside a cliff somewhere worrying about if the UFOs were putting chemicals in the Pacific Ocean.

Now trust me, I believe there’s alien life. In such a vast universe, there’s no way that we’re the only planet with sentient life.

But if these UFOs come from extraterrestrial sources like millions speculate, that would revolutionize the array of content we could consume.

Do you like cooking shows? Add an alien.

Do you like politics? Add an alien.

Do you like sports? Add an alien.

We’re talking real-life intergalactic cable! (although that won’t be anywhere near as funny as that show where the guy turns himself into a pickle. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen)

I hate to poke fun at the expense of our (likely) neighbors in the universe, but the whole topic is just so intriguing.

Aliens theories are exactly like that toy you wanted for Christmas when you were 10.

You begged your parents to buy it and make your dreams come true.

You cleaned the dishes every night.

You joined the clean plate club at dinner.

You even paid attention in class when the teacher spent the fiftieth day reviewing multiplication.

Then you cracked open that glorious G.I. Joe package only to realize Duke’s eyes make him look stupid, spending more time playing with the box than you spent even glancing at your so-called prized possession.

Alien conspiracy theories are the box.

Let’s just hope we can keep this good thing going before Filo and the spacemen zip over from planet Zarcon and spoil the whole show.

Coming from a family that thinks most government actions hold some sort of sinister ulterior motive, I asked my dad what he thought about the release.

He gave a couple of nods, looked off in the distance, and said “Good.”

Even Papa Tex wants to keep dreaming, to keep imagining.

Regardless of how you approach the UFO world, we can’t deny they exist. After all, the Pentagon released the “unexplained aerial phenomena” videos themselves.

Even the organization tasked with protecting the entire nation — whose business solely revolves around knowing what’s going on around the world — doesn’t know what the hell those things are.

But I hope we don’t find the truth about alien life too fast. Boring quarantine summer could turn into entertaining conspiracy summer real fast.

And in a world without sports (barring the Ocho, of course), myself and millions worldwide will be hanging on every pixel.